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I have deleted most of the old entries on this livejournal. I am no longer the person that wrote those entries, so there is no relevance to them being here.

I've learned that I have problems with commitment. Not with people, thankfully. Though, that not may entirely be true because I have trouble keeping up with friendships. I try, but if I'm not getting any effort from the other person I've learned to give up.
Anyways, my main concern is that I have trouble committing to myself. With everything else I set my mind too. Even though I plan to start my homework before the night it's due, that seldom happens. Or even though I plan to go to the gym 4 times a week for cardio and 3 times a week for strength (aka Wing Chun), I end up going 2 times for each. Or during the end of the semester, I don't end up going at all. I occasionally ask for an extension with an assignment because I'm too stressed to do it, not because I actually don't have the time to. Even though I plan to resist that ice cream when I'm not going to the gym, I get it anyways because I'm too stressed. And I plan to go to sleep early, but then 3am rolls around and I'm still studying or working because I was stupid enough to watch 5 episodes of Whose Line instead of working first. I promise to keep up with RPs, with livejournal, and I clearly don't. I forget things easily - important calls, dates, meetings, etc. and that ruins my life. And it's all because of my procrastination. Time management is something that I occasionally I grasp very well, but usually my attempts at it are pitiful.

The point of this rant is that there are so many things in my life that need changing. And I am dedicated to change them. Once I finish this entry, I am storming off to work until I finish my portfolio and am finally done for the summer. Yes, this entry is procrastination, but it's worthwhile. I am going to list my plans for the summer and what I want to accomplish in general as it pops into my brain. I have started a word document of what I want from my life, and I think I'm going to transfer it to one of the many notebooks I have been coerced into buying thanks to pretty covers and nice paper.

Plans:
1. Sleep. In order to complete anything, I need to sleep. I have lost many hours during college for NO reason I don't approve. I hate the feeling of fatigue and I refuse to torture myself with it any longer.
2. Help family. Chores will come first - once I get them done, I will have time to relax.
3. Read. I have not read a book for fun in forever. Sure, I've read plenty of good books for college and for highschool. But I've always been rushed. Many of them I want to re-read for my own pleasure. And I will use a lot of my spare time during the summer to do so.
4. Make sure I read, I will limit my computer activity to 1-2 MAX hour a day. That sounds improbably right now, even to me who's so determined to do it. And I know it will not happen instantly. But I will try to gradually reduce it to that. I hate the computer and my incessant emailing/facebook-ing/im-ing/fml-ing/googling etc. I will not stand for it.
5. Spend quality time with family. I spend a lot of time with my friends at college, and I'm sure I'll see a lot of my high school friends over the summer, but the people I know I need to give more time to are the people in my family. I have not spoken to my little sister in ages, and my little brother and I have tons of catching up to do. I want to spend more time with my grandparents, with my uncle and aunt (especially now that I have another cousin on the way! :D), and more time with my parents.
6. Keep up with college friends over the summer. Sure, all of us are going away, but I've made wonderful friends here and I want to make sure those friendships are solid.
7. Study French. This year in French was good, but way too fast for me. I often forsook actually learning the grammar rules for the sake of memorization. Since I'm going onto the literature level next year, that won't fly. I need to learn it for realz.
8. Write every day. Write a sentence. A paragraph. A story. If I don't use it, I'll lose it. My writing could be so much better if I did something with it.
9. Eat HEALTHY. No. That does not mean I will starve, or limit myself to veggies and fruits. I will however concentrate on eating them, and in abundance. But I will make sure to eat lean meats, drink milk, get the vitamins and fiber I need. Drink tea! Way more than I have. Drink water! And have dessert. Just a little. I won't be a supermodel, but I'll be happy and healthy.
10. Work out every day. I'll aim for an hour, but that's not always going to happen. So I'm going to make it however much time I'm going to have. Also, upon waking up I vow that I will do 20 push-ups and 30 sit-ups, even if it kills me. And if that's all I can get a day, fine. No guilt.
11. Enjoying what I have now. I'm too held back by fear. I keep getting worried that I'll do something wrong and screw up my grades. Or my relationship with my friends or my boyfriend. I'm worried that he'll cheat and leave me. I can't live like that or it'll become a self-fulfilling prophesy. I will enjoy what I have now. Not a carpe diem, drink and party till I drop, but appreciate every day.
12. Wear clothes that make me happy. I have too many clothes in my wardrobe that I do not wear. There's many I thought they were trendy and ended up not fitting me well, and many old things that just don't fit me well any more, but I'm too much of a pack rat to let go of them. I will donate EVERY single item of clothing that does not fit me or I will not wear. No jeans that I may fit into if I lose 20 pounds. None of that. And no more impulse buying. Plan out the wardrobe!
13. Garden at home, and plan to make a gardening club at Hopkins :)
14. Get out of my comfort zone. I've realized so many things I could have been better at if only i got out of my comfort zone. Like jump kicks. When I was little, I was too scared to do jump kicks in class because I was too caught up on falling in front of everyone. I knew I was going to fall, and I didn't want to be laughed at. And now I regret that so much.
15. Make sure I go biking over the summer. I need to do lots and lots of biking. It's fun. I love it. I get tons of exercise and don't feel like I'm getting it. Also, just play sports.
16. Drop the sarong at the beach. Yes. I'm not perfect. Yes, I have dimples on my thighs, and my waistline is not small. I like dessert. But, those legs of mine can carry me through anything. Especially during sparring with Bede who's much stronger than I am do I realize how much my legs can do if I use them.
17. Learn to manage my money. I spent money foolishly this year. I want to avoid that. I will learn to properly balance a checkbook, and I will keep records of my purchases and such. I will not let my money go to waste.
18. I'm going to be more honest about my opinions. I hate having to hold back my feelings, or tiptoe around people just so I don't accidentally hurt theirs. I say sorry all the time, but I actually HATE it. I hate feeling guilty for things that are NOT my fault. I hate that also do not acknowledge it when people hurt my feelings. I brush it off, or it I get upset, I end up apologizing for getting mad, though I know somewhere deep inside that I genuinely felt hurt and had a reason too. None of that. No cruel honesty or just random explosions at people. But still, general openness.
19. Work to be more organized. I hate living in clutter. I DESPISE clutter. I like making my room nice and clean and I hate it when it goes back to a mess (by my own fault). So, things I don't need/don't use/don't have a place for. GARBAGE. I'm done with the mess.
20. Do more community service. I like volunteering. I like old people actually - I have a very soft spot for old people, especially if they are lonely. So I'm going to look into doing something with that.
21. Pursue my goals and respect myself and what I want. No more settling for second best. Yes, compromising is good, but not when it comes to things that are important to me.
22. Learn more about God. Yes, that sounds weird. However, during college, I've come to believe in God, in Jesus. I'm the last person I ever imagined to say these words, but it is so. However, I still do not buy into lack of tolerance, or any of the hypocrisy that is going on. It is something that is private to me. I will read the Bible and educate myself. I will learn His teachings and become wiser and humbler for it.

If I think of anything else I'm going to write it here as a reminder for myself. I will do this. I'm DONE with not being committed to who I want to be and what I want to do with my life.

I would like to say that I will come back once I become more organized, but I honestly don't think I'll come back to livejournal. I like it, yes. But, somehow, there are too many embarrassing memories attached to it - too many childish things I said in previous entries, on other accounts. Also, it's a wonderful tool for distracting me and depressing me. The depression comes in when it updates me on some of my friends' lives and I realize how far apart we've grown, and that no amount of catching up will restore that since we're too far apart (largely thanks to distance). However, I will not delete this account. I will occasionally post for the people who are interested, or use it solely to do things related to art and my fandoms. I like the idea of writing in real journal as I mentioned before, and I'm definitely going to do that. I'm thinking of getting a blog though. I know tons of people are doing it, but somehow, I've wanted to for awhile. Actually, before I even got a livejournal I wanted a blog. So, that will happen.

However, I'm not going to feel guilt for anything that I've done. Yes. I've been stupid. But there also times when I've been smart. Or times when I've been lazy, but I've also been very hardworking. There is no sense in feeling guilty in what has passed. Yes, I may not be proud that I drank a 500 calorie milkshake, but I can't do anything about that now. Also, it tasted freaking awesome. I can not live a life where I am chained to counting every calorie I eat. Not only is it a royal pain in the ass, it also wastes an enormous amount of time tracking down all the nutritional information. I have a guy that loves me though I've got that extra couple inches of fat on my stomach, hips, thighs, butt, whatever. I have great friends who think I'm strong and fit, and who look up to me. They don't care about my stomach - they know I can beat them if they care to comment :)

On a brighter note, I now know what a glockenspiel and stevedore are